THIS PART OF MY LIFE IS CALLED “ BEING A TOTAL JACKASS”
There are days in your life which you want to permanently “shift+delete “ from your memory and leave no trace of them even in your brains’s recycle bin. But when something so Idiotically tragic happens where in you feel that god wants that day of your life to be a perfect lesson for hurting your ego, wasting all your limited resources, make you do things you never would have imagined you would do and screw your ass as if you were some horrific criminal rapist being sentenced a death penalty…….its just too hard to erase that one what-the –hell-did-i-do day in your life. Nowhere in the world would so many things have happened to anyone in a single day(and I wish they never do) who puts in all his life’s dedication ,hardwork,money,time and effort and still fuck up his day .the only one important thing I learned from this day is” When you are outlucked ,even God cant save you from getting fucked!!!!”
Let me now tell you what happned to a bunch of loser guys like us who set their heart on watching a ram gopal verma movie “phoonk”on the first day of its release.
Plot: watch “phoonk”
Participants
Priyank,baxi,k.k,dhulla,mohit,rishi,chande
Date 22 august 2008
Locations
Library,parking lot,cinemax,gurukrupa hotel sion,five gardens,food arcade,priyanks home,pritam da dhaba,imax wadala,ruia college,priyanks office.
Mode of transport
Train,bike,rickshaw,taxi,car,by foot
I was woken up on the morn of 22nd by the buzz of my ohh-so-precious nokia 1100.the iphone had been launched at midnight and I was having wild dreams of owning one particular16gb one and flaunting it off ….i was absolutely unaware of wat god had in store for me which wud have been unimaginable even in my wildest dream.
I got on with readying up for college and had a vision of having a totally normal day there.ohh I was so wrong!!!
I reached vidyavihar platform and to my horrors the tc caught me…(I usually travel ticketless).its not that I don’t recognize a tc when I see one..but this day there were just too many of them on the platform and it was really tuff for a guy with personality like me to go unnoticed….the inner voice said”yu are so screwed up now dude”.but I had gotten in similar situations before..and got out off it clean and dry.but this time I didn’t even have a expired pass to show to the tc..i had to do something…something fast!!
“show me your ticket”…I started the acting trick of searching for the ticket in my pocket and wallet…I checked my wallet…It had some old traintickets,bus pass and all kachra things stuffed up..i had a sudden idea..i removed the old tickets and said”sir I think I got the ticket mixed up with the old ones…it was somewhere here for sure” and handed the old tickets over to him…and wat luck..i had a old 22’07/2008 ticket…the tc I guess was already assured of the aunthenticity of the ticket without checking the date(probably by the innocentguy look on my face) and handed it over to me and said “here it is boy,you can go now” I was amazed at my luck and kept thankin god for this save all the way to the college
This was probably the last time in the day when I thanked god…and for luck …I had used it up completely!!!!!!
At the college..the gang met up in the library as usual.This is where it all began.i wish I had bunked college that day!!!!
Mohit ” chal yaar movie jaate hai”
Baxi ”haan re…wat bout phoonk”
Kunj ” nahi yaar huga hua movie hoga yaar”
Priyank “ nahi yaar,mast rahega..kya susti gaggar”
Rishi “ chalo”
Kk “ kya wastelog hai apun..college library mein baithne aate hai kya yaar”
Dhulla “ aye doggy…bhaunkna band karega?? Phoonk dekhne hi jaate hi…lets take bhaggu with us majja aayega”
Baxi”wohh ghanta aayega….toelf hai uska…”
Priyank” anna and shawn waise bhi nahi aayega”
Mohit “haan…chal phir nikalte hai”
This is usually how our plans materialize…no preplanning…no thought…when it pops up it just has to take place..come what may..
We had to take our cat letters from college..i baxi and kunj..went to the office…while rishi,kk,dhulla and mohit went on to the parking lot where mohits bike was parked.
The bike winning contest:
jasti ki majority
people who had their hand turned in the same way as mohit wud reach the semi finals....
rishi and kk reached the semi finals..
in the semis...rishi won....
and he had the honour and privildge to get on mohits "much-better-than-hayabusa" honda unicorn
but after this as we noe kk was lik " e susti plz mughe jane de na.... tu hamesha jata hai plz.... plz.. "
susti didnt show any sympathy and got the prized ride on mohits bike!!!
Mohit and rishi hopped on the bike and went off to imax wadala…in the mean time kk called up chande to ask if he was cuming and to chck where the movie is playing…chande said imax has the movie at 11.15pm…but cinemax is playing at 3.45pm and 8.45 pm.kk called up rishi and mohit who were already half way to imax.
In the mean time I ,baxi and kunj reached the parking spot…
Kunj was at refusal as usual…uska bhaav khaane ka aadat kab jayega????
Anyway when he got to hear that the movie was no where near by…he dropped out of plan…no amount of convincing wud undo his unwillingness to get in..
So we had to leave him out..he left for home.
By that time mohit and rishi came back…we checked out the time it was 11.30am..
So we had atleast 4 hrs before the next show at cinemax .
Priyank” char ghanta kya karnaa hai yaar??”
Baxi “chal acres jaate hain”
Priyank” nahi yaar”
Baxi”what about mcdzz”
Dhulla”kya karega udhar??”
baxi”chalnaa..baat kaega”
kk”baat..barabar baat karega…..saale apun 6 se 11 baat hi kar raha tha..sab cheejo pe baat karliya…hugu public..kitnaa baat karega…apne gf se jitnaa baat nahi karega..utna tum logon se ek din mein baat kiya hoga…. Poora life baat hi kiya hoga…college aake library mein baithke sirf tp hi karta hai apun log…. aur yeh ch*t*ye ko aur baat karneka hai..”
he was damn irritated….he was dead against wasting 4 hrs talking and that too for a ram gopal verma film..
Priyank” chal yaar kk”
Rishi” haan re chal”
Kk” abhi kya akela baithega kelkar..chalo..cinemax jaake ticket nikalega..phir jayega Priyank ke ghar”
Priyank..”lets go then”
Mohit and baxi…left on bike
Kk and rishi in rick
And I and dhulla..cudnt get any rick..so we decided to go by train..
Dhulla was dead against going ticketless..
I gave in..cause I wud ave to face a whole lot of questions if I wanted to go ticket less..lolzzzzz
So I and dhulla…got the train tickets and got into the train..
All of us met up at cinemax…
3.45 show house full…
Wat luck man!!!
Wat the fuck…
I called up a friend of mine..to see if any theatre at dadar was playing phoonk…but there wernt any..
Baxi bought the news paper…we checked out again..but still a big NO….
Mohit “suno abhi ek kaam karte hain…11.15 ka phoonk dekhte hain imax..dinner bahar lete hain and phir Priyank ke ghar night out”
Priyank “ mera class hai yaar”
Baxi” arre g**d mara..it doesn’t suit yu”
Priyank” accha chhod”
Kk” chalo done”
Ridhi” ghar pe bolega baxi ke ghar project karne jaa raha hoon”
Baxi” haan..i will say goin to yur place…if I say goin to priyanks place..they are sure gonna doubt it man”
Kk” main jhoot bol bol ke thak gaya hoon yaar..i am gonna tell them I am goin to priyanks place man..akkhaa life jhooth bol bolke thak gaya hai yaar”
Mohit”ill tell my bro to tele book the tickets for us then..”
He called up..and his bro did the booking…”guys we have to reach there an hour in advance man”
Baxi” haan pahuch jayega”
Hehehehehe(how he was gonna repent his statement..he had no idea)
Dhulla” ab kya karnaa hai??”
Rishi”gurukrupa jaate hai”
Priyank”yaa its near by”
Baxi” haan waise bhi bhook lag raha hai”
Kk” kya bhukkad log hai….khaata hi rehta hai saala”
Mohit”chalo yaar…jaate hain..and haan..agar 10.15 pm ko nahi pahuchaa toh bhaari hug dega ..pehle hi bol raha hoon”
Baxi” arre well get there re..dun worry”
Then we guys went off to gurukrupa …a hotel at sion…we had samosa chole and pani puri there..
It was 1.30 by then…
Baxi” chal darinda…five gardens jaate hain”
Priyank”chalo…udhar kisi garden mein tp karlete hain..we cant go home right now…office is closed..well go home by around 6”
Rishi”k..done”
Mohit” I and gaggu will go by bike..yu guys leave by cab…”
Kk”chalega”
I baxi,dhulla and kk got into a cab and went to 5 gardens..
Kk”kuch khelte hain yaar..”
Baxi “yeh and mohit…saala aakkha life khelta hi rahega”
Kk called up mohit and asked him to get a ball if he cud
Obviously mohit didn’t get it
We searched for a garden and sat there on the lawn….
I lay on the lawn…enjoying the greenery....the couple on the other side of the garden were kissing….good timepass..
I thought about how much we had gone through the entire day just to watch a movie…I recalled baxizz words…”itnaa mehnat studies mein dale..toh ab tak 70+ aa jaata tha”
Naa…I cudnt put so much efforts into it…
I was kinda sleepy…the trees were swaying…the birds chirping..everything so calm,serene,quite……
The breeze I cud feel was making we even more drowsy…the scent of the soil was soo soothing…..
BUT WAIT…WAT WAS THAT WEIRD SMELLLL!!!!!!
Mohit ” kaun chhoda…..”
Kk” haan re….saala ganda strong hai”
Dhulla” I aint smellin nothing”
Priyank”haan re..yuckk..i am gonna vomit…getting away from here guys”
Mohit”itnaa strong hai….garden itnaa bad hai lekin spread hoke bhi intensity kam nahi hua”
Sustis..nostrils were too lazy to even pick up the smell….”haan thoda thoda aa raha hai”
Baxi” sheeee yaaaar….”””
After around a minute..thankfully..it was gone…
I was feeling lazy..but there wasn’t nething to do..i picked up two sticks of dead wood lying around…and started rubbing them together..to make fire..
Rishi”saale yeh garden jala dega tu”
Baxi”Priyank yaar…tu saale darsheel hi hai”
Dhulla”tu idhar kya aagaya engineering mein maraane ko??”
Kk”iim hi jaa tu…:”
Priyank”iim main aag lagane dete hain kya”
Lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Mohit”yeh kya aawaz hain re”
Priyank”abbe bats ka hai”
Baxi” arre bats ko aankhen hoti hain kya…coz I know they use ultra sound to fly..and they are blind”
Rishi”haan aankhen toh hoti hai”
Kk”toh who log apne ko ch*t*ya banane ko rahengii….dekho mereko aankhen hai..lekin kamine andhe hi rahenge”
Dhulla’itnaa kya aawaj kar rahe hain yaar..hug diya who log ne…raat ko bhi nahi sote…subah ko bhi nahi sote…ch*t*ya log”
Mohit”arre watch all of them are just moving their one wing man….”
Kk”competition rahega”
Mohit”who dekh..kk and dhulla ulta latak rahe hain jhaad pe…dhulla is saying..hugga naaa….hawa bhi nahi aa raha hain.huggu wing hai tera.”
Kk”y aren’t the bats sleeping man”
Mohit ”a bat must be saying to the other…”kyun nahi so raha tu”…….the other bat says”main kyun souu…tu pehle so…hehehehehe””
Hehehehehehehehehe…
Just then..a kulfiwala passed by…..”chal dhulla pre treat ho jaye”….
Dhulla””arre ghanta”
Priyank”baxi bula yaar usko”
Baxi screamed”aye …KULLLLLLLLL( hoarse ruff manly voice)…FIIIIIIIIIIII(in a womanly baby scream)
It was amusing..baxi hug diya…the kulfi wala ignored us completely…
we lay down for 10minutes more like we were the last people on earth..
kk ”yaar I think I am turning gay…its almost like 7 hrs since we guys are together
and I think I have spent half of my life hours with yu guys..lolzzzzzz”
…it was 3.45 then….
Dhulla “I am humgry..is there any gud place to eat??”
Priyank”yaa there is food arcade nearby”
Chal then..jaate hain…
kk:arre bhukkad public!!!
Mohit and baxi on bike..we guys on foot
While passing by us..baxi grabbed sustiss shirt,,susti pulled him back…
TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
We thot baxis shirt was torn…luckily It wasn’t….
We reached food arcade..
Dhulla had ragda pattice..we had amul cool chocolate..
Priyank”chalo ghar jaate hain”
kk..”haan…rakhad rakhad ke thak gaya hain”
we grabbed a cab…and came home…kk left his mobile with us..i rishi and baxi…sent his frend a “missing you” mesaage!!!(that’s one hell disadvantage if yu leave yur cell unattended in any bakwaas gang members hand”
came to my place…got into the lift…and there it was agin..”THE SMELL” ..
mohit"kaun chhodaa"...we survived it some how!!!
My mom was goin out out..i had to tell mom..we had come home to fill CAT forms…
She had coffe and snacks ready for us..i goofed up and said we were 5 ppl..when actually we were 6…
So kk was left out..and he didn’t get any coffee..lolzz…its anyway not for dogs lolzzz
There were biscuits left though…
We just chcked on the net if results were out…coz that day the probability of the results being out was maximum….thankgod they weren’t….
Mohit and kk..blackmailed me into getting cards..
I had to get them…..
We played teen patti..after like a life time…
Baxi lost the maximum
Rishi won the maximum
I ,mohit and kk lost and won..negligible sum…
Dhulla was reading sex stories on my comp!!!
Then we came up with a indegenious tennis game
No.of players in one team:2
Materials used” paper ball,my room bed”
Rackets” players sleeping on the bed:use their feet as rackets”
Players standing on the floor :use hands as rackets”
Umpire: rishi(kinda biased)
Rules…:ball missed..point gain by opp team..
Ball thrown on kk(who was chattin to the girl we smsed to)
Not counted
Beating the umpire to influence descision -5 points
Number of sets variable
I and mohit were partners….and baxi and dhulla were the other team
Best of 3 sets : we lost
We didn’t give up..increased the number of sets
Best of 5 sets: we lost
Still didn’t give up…we increased it to 7
Best of 7 sets: we lost again
But were happy…we got silver medal!!!hehehehe
It was 8.30
We had to get going..coz there was still dinner left….
After getting fresh we left…it was 9.00
I took the car(after sum convincing done to my mom)….
Bike was on as usual…(mohit demanded 10 bucks each..for petrol)
I parked the car..in front of a noparking gate..i had no other option…we had to hurry
We dined at pritam da dhaba..a fairly plush restaurant….
Chande called in..he was cumin too…
He met us at pritam….
We were running half an hour off schedule….
And we were still ordering food
We requested yogesh to go and reort at the theatre..
He agreed after much pursuation..
But he needed mohits bike…. we messed up cozs mohits helmet was in my car!!!
So we decided well leave together…
We hogged like afghan starved people…taking no account of pile up of bill!!!
It was a huge shock….1500…
We were again 500 bucks off our estimation..we still had to pay for our tickets!!!
We managed to pile up money sum how!!!!
Wat to do of 500 bucks..going to my place..was off the cards..
I decided to ask a frend of mine”tanmay”(hugely famous in my class)
To get us 500 bucks!!!his place was on the way..so it was manageable….
Mohit and kk got on bike..and left ahead of us….
We followed in the car…
I drove like Schumacher….making cuts..changing lanes….almost hitting other cars,people etc…
We had to get there in time..it was 10.05 already..
The road till sion was covered in around..8 minutes…
AND THEN!!!!
FUCKED UP AT SION BRIDGE!!!
Bloody bumper to bumper traffic man..
It was just so cramped up..
I managed to get ahead sumhow…
I was driving as if my survival depended on it man!!!
But it was just not possible for even an ultimate driver like me to get past….unless ofcourse my car could fly!!!!
Thankfully to mohits biking skills he reached there almost at 10.30..if not for mohit we would not ave even the slightest hopes of getting to the theatre on time.....though mohit is a good rider..carrying kk on the back and fighting the worst ever traffic jam is not an easy task....mohit managed some how....
We reached there 15 minutes later than mohit.....
It was 10.45
And yaaa’
It was TOO LATE!!
All tickets sold off..
No bookings left…………..we hoped for last minute miracle cancellations..but it was like hoping Shawn failed in toefl test!!!!
We didn’t mange the movie…for which we had spent the whole day….
18 hrs almost…….18 hrsssss………..
Dhulla said” God has scripted this entire day…..each of our minute and second….he must be lafing like hell there……ill surely tell my kids about it…..bhagwan ne humlogon ko ch*t*ya banaya….”lets write a letter to rgv…we struggled so much for his film…and still cudnt watch it..die hard fans…”
Baxi” dude even he’ll laff….kaise ch*t*ya log hai..meri film dekhne ko itnaa maraya”
Disappointed we got into the car and left…
That’s wat we got of the whole day……it was hell of a adventure here.. that was more than we could handle in a single day..it was enufff!!!
WAIT!!!!
DID I SAY SINGLE DAY???
DID I SAY IT WAS ENUFFF???
Hell no it wasn’t…god wanted us to feel more miserable…
Mohit was fed up to the limit…..he left….without telling us..
But that created more problem..only 5 ppl cud fit in the car ….
Wat to do of the doggy kk???
He decided to call up mohit..
And he called up wrong number 3 times….
He suddenly started seeing 3 mohits in his contact list…..
Kk”yaar mereko shayad bhaari neend aa raha hai..i am suddenly seeing 3 mohits here man..”
Baxi called up then….mohit was waiting outside the theatre….we had got him wrong..lolzzz
we left kk with mohit and asked them to get to my place…
we finally were feeling relaxed that atlast we are going home…
then…kk called up!!!!
They ahd taken the wrong road at gone to vikhroli..the idiots…...mohit proposed to leave kk at vikhroli station…
Kk got scared….he said ”station band rahega yaar abhi….i thought..i was so drowsy that like I had seen 3 mohits in my contact list I was seeing the sion board as vikhroli ..please lets go back at priyanks place”
Lolzzzzzzzzz
That was the final nail in the coffin of our totally disastrous day!!!!
Those guys came back…..we waited at ruia katta for them…they came…after 15 minutes…
We recalled entire days events…wat had we done to get so badly burnt asses my our own hands..
We felt like complete losers….
We hoped we could die there itself…..
The night was calm….quite…serene…we chatted long….we laughed
We lay down on the katta…
The breeze was cold….
The grass smelled sweet
BUT WAITTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT WAS THAT SMELLLL AGAIN!!!!!THE ONLY THING THAT HAD BEEN WITH US THROUGH OUT THE DAY!!!!
Mohit “kaun chodaaa”!!!!!!!
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